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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26450908">Grief</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer/pseuds/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer'>Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Peridot (Steven Universe), Denial, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Poof, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Homeworld au, I Am My Mom Gone Wrong, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Memory Loss, Memory Loss Mention, One Shot, Past Character Death, Renegades Steven Universe AU, Steven Universe AU, Unresolved Emotional Tension, post-IARQ</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:27:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,276</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26450908</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer/pseuds/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><em>"I'm sorry…" He mumbled into the silence, into the empty, hollow barn. "I'm so sorry."</em> | Post-IARQ (I Am Rose Quartz.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Amethyst &amp; Steven Universe, Garnet &amp; Berry (Steven Universe), Garnet &amp; Steven Universe, Lemon Lime/Candy (OCs), Pearl &amp; Steven Universe, Peridot &amp; Steven Universe, Steven Universe &amp; Berry, Steven Universe &amp; Candy, Steven Universe &amp; Lemon Lime, Steven Universe &amp; Original Gem Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918204</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Grief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The conversation with Amethyst and Pearl went so well that Steven actually felt guilty by the time it was over. They had both been spectacularly understanding, nodding in agreement to most things he said and managing to look a little sheepish themselves sometimes as he spoke. Of course, that wasn't something that he'd wanted - but he pressed on regardless, putting it on the backburner for the time being. He'd make sure they understood that it wasn't their fault, that he was the one who was having the problem with opening his mouth and speaking up himself. But right then was about Peridot, and Steven wanted to make sure it stayed that way. He couldn't sway from the subject now and risk losing it forever; he <em>needed</em> to do this for the both of them, he needed to go talk to her because nobody else was getting through to her. And Steven didn't even know if he would be able to get through to her either, but he still wanted to try. And if he couldn't, then… fine. Then he'd just be there for her, even if she didn't know why just yet.</p><p>Even if she was desperate <em>not</em> to know why.</p><p>But, regardless, Steven was glad that the conversation had taken a good turn. Once he had finished speaking, he held his breath and waited for them to either disagree or for them to tell him he could go. But he didn't have to wait too long for either of them to speak. "Aw, buddy," Amethyst sighed after a few seconds. "If we'd known you wanted to go see her <em>this </em>bad…"</p><p>"We certainly wouldn't have kept you from going," Pearl added quickly, a guilty look flickering through her eyes. "The last thing we want is to make you feel like it's not your decision."</p><p>"I know that," Steven rushed to assure them, swallowing and shaking his head. He took another deep breath, letting his shoulders sag after a moment. He wasn't in trouble for speaking his mind, just as he hadn't really expected to be. Deep down, he'd always known that was the case - that they weren't really trying to keep him from going to see Peridot, that they weren't <em>ordering</em> him not to go, but that it was more of a suggestion than anything. The only thing that had really kept him from pressing was his own fear, and as it turned out, there was nothing to be scared of. "It wasn't anything any of you did… it was just me," he huffed out a somewhat nervous laugh, lifting a hand to run his fingers through his hair. "I just… don't like arguing. It's not something… it's not something I'm 'supposed' to do," he added hastily. "Soldiers are made to take orders. And I know I'm not a soldier anymore, but it's… it's not easy for me," he finally admitted, "to <em>think</em> like… <em>me</em>. So I figured it'd just be easier for me to just… take the orders. It's stupid, but…"</p><p>Amethyst stared at him, mouth half-open.</p><p>"It is <em>not</em> stupid." Pearl narrowed her eyes slightly, and Steven glanced up at her, furrowing his eyebrows faintly. The pale gem reached out, and the hybrid didn't hesitate to lean forward, pressing his head forward into her hand so that she could brush his hair back gently. "Steven, your emotions- your feelings- your <em>thoughts</em>, none of them are <em>stupid</em>. Especially not this. Believe me…" She offered him an almost wistful smile. "I know what it's like to be torn between your own desires and… feeling like you're not even supposed to have them in the first place. Nobody here expects you to 'take orders' or 'obey'. If you want to do something, it's up to you."</p><p>"Yeah," Amethyst chimed in. "Even if we don't agree, we'll still, like, respect your decisions."</p><p>"That's good to know," Steven murmured, closing his eyes for a moment. He leaned his head further into Pearl's hand for a moment, then finally pulled away again, offering a small smile. "So that means I can go see Peridot then, right? I get the whole 'needing space' thing, I really do, but I think if we're both there for each other…" He trailed off. "We can help each other, too."</p><p>Amethyst snorted, finally pulling herself up out of the water. "Man, if that's what you wanna do, then I say go for it. Honestly…" The purple gem seemed to hesitate, if only for a few seconds. Then, with a sigh, she rolled her eyes to the side and allowed her expression to falter briefly, the indifferent expression shifting into something akin to concern. "She's not even letting anybody else inside the barn at this point. Not even your pink Pearl friend or the Sprite Peridot guy." Steven paused at that, running his tongue over his lips and biting the inside of his cheek to keep back a smile despite himself. That was something he'd have to bring up to them later, for sure. "So, yeah, if you think you've got a chance with her, we're open to any options at this point," Amethyst huffed out a laugh, but there was barely any humor in her voice. "She's really upset. Everybody's trying to talk to her- not even about Lapis anymore- but she's not having it…" She trailed off, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment and shaking her head with a worried frown.</p><p>Steven looked down at her, all traces of the smile wiped from his face. He knew how much Amethyst cared about Peridot, though she might not admit it unless pressed to do so. The amount of concern she had for the little green gem was nearly palpable. "I'll talk to her," he assured, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "I've got a pretty… good idea of what she's probably going through right now. I was there…" He hesitated. "Maybe she'll listen to me." The hybrid shifted and pulled his feet underneath him, heaving himself up without using his hands. He lifted his arms slightly, steadying himself, and relaxed again after a moment, sighing. "I'm gonna go dry off and change… then head to the barn. D'you guys wanna come?"</p><p>Pearl looked… mildly surprised, honestly, as she pushed herself up and exchanged a somewhat startled, bewildered look with Amethyst before looking back to Steven. "Do you want us to?"</p><p>Steven puffed his cheeks out, thinking about that for a moment. While he wouldn't particularly mind having them tag along, he also wasn't sure Peridot would grant him entrance to the barn unless he came alone. With that being said, he also wanted them there in case something went wrong, in case she broke down… the hybrid didn't think he'd be able to handle that by himself. Normally he would jump at the opportunity to fix anything on his own, but the idea of handling an emotionally-distraught Peridot while he wasn't exactly in the best place emotionally, himself, was just a little nerve-wracking, a little anxiety inducing. He wouldn't be able to properly care for her, especially not if he was in the middle of breaking down, himself… and considering that he could hardly hold himself together when he was merely <em>thinking</em> about Lapis at this point, it was a stretch to even consider that he might be stable enough to handle Peridot on his own now.</p><p>"Maybe you should wait outside the barn," he finally decided. "I don't wanna overwhelm her, but… if I can get through to her, I don't think I'm gonna be able to help her if she…" He trailed off for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut briefly. He wished he thought he was emotionally and mentally stable enough to be able to help Peridot the way he wanted to, but he knew better. Maybe he wouldn't have cared with just his own emotions on the line, but he knew better than to sacrifice Peridot's mental health and emotional well-being for the sake of wanting to help on his own. The hybrid rolled his shoulders back, blinking his eyes open, and offered a decisive nod. "You guys should come," he continued, a little more firmly, a little more confident in his decision.</p><p>"Sweet!" Amethyst leaped to her feet, and Pearl offered an encouraging smile. "Let's go!" She rushed past them both, briefly dropping down to her hands to run faster. Once again, Steven marveled over her energy, allowing a small smile to cross his face as he watched her run off. He looked over briefly when Pearl made her way forward to stand beside him, exchanging a somewhat amused look with the pale gem and heaving out a sigh as he started walking, too.</p><p>"I <em>wish</em> I had that much energy," he commented. "I don't know how she's so excited all the time."</p><p>Had he turned around, he might have seen the pained expression that crossed Pearl's face as he spoke. And had he slowed down, he'd have heard her quiet mumble of, "you used to."</p><hr/><p>Drying off and changing was a simple process. He chose a colorful shirt with a cat on it, and another pair of shorts. Pearl and Amethyst had warped ahead to the barn to send Lemon Lime and Candy back, and Garnet and Berry were relaxing in the living room, watching what they called the 'television', when Steven exited the bathroom, drying his hair off. He didn't know where his Dad was, but he assumed he was at… that place he worked at. The hybrid couldn't quite remember what it was called or where it was, but he knew Greg worked there, so he was probably there right then. "I'm heading to the barn," he called to Garnet and Berry, wrapping the towel around his neck and looking toward the two. They both glanced up, watching him head toward the warp pad. Garnet offered nothing more than a thumbs up, and the Ruby, with a quiet groan, sank herself back against the couch and crossed her arms, giving him the stink-eye.</p><p>"About time," she snipped at him, and he arched an eyebrow at her as he hopped up onto the warp pad, turning around to face them again. "Just don't say anything stupid, hybrid. See if you can actually coax her out of that stupid barn… she won't even let <em>me</em> talk to her now." Berry looked a little bit miffed about that in particular, but the hybrid understood. Berry could be a little bit much sometimes, as much as he cared about her. He didn't say that, though - he knew Berry was going through a tough time of her own, watching her friend hurt like this. So he only offered her a small smile and leaned back again, rolling his shoulders back and relaxing with a sigh.</p><p>"Don't worry," he murmured. "I'll do my best." He waved at them and activated the warp pad, letting the stream take him off his feet and carry him away to the barn for the first time in days.</p><p>When he landed and jumped down, he glanced up to see that Lemon Lime and Candy were heading toward them. The Pearl had both of her arms wrapped around one of the Peridot's, looking concerned and defeated. Lemon Lime just looked worried, sparing nervous glances over his shoulder every now and again. But he looked down when Steven stepped off the warp pad, and the hybrid tilted his head back a little to look up at him, furrowing his eyebrows faintly. "Go get some rest," he advised, tilting his head toward the warp pad. "I'll be careful, I promise. If she even lets me inside…" He offered a hesitant smile, glancing past them toward the barn worriedly. Was it really that bad? Lemon Lime had bags under his eyes, and gems weren't even supposed to get tired. Or <em>look </em>tired. The hybrid faltered, biting the inside of his cheek with a frown. He really hoped he could get through to Peridot, at least enough to be able to talk to her. He understood not wanting to believe Lapis was dead, but this just wasn't healthy. Cutting herself off from everyone, refusing to let anyone see her, it wasn't healthy. She knew something was wrong, and she wasn't facing it. He had used to do that - and he knew that <em>it wasn't healthy.</em></p><p>"Where's Berry?" Lemon Lime asked quietly, leaning against Candy and lifting an arm to wrap around her, tugging her a little closer. The Pearl didn't hesitate to lean her head against the Peridot's shoulder, burying her face into the crook of his neck with a long, exhausted sigh.</p><p>"At the house, with Garnet." Steven let his gaze linger on Candy for a moment, concerned. "You both go ahead, try and relax. I'll let you know if anything happens." He stepped forward, and Lemon Lime nodded faintly as he led Candy past the hybrid, stepping onto the warp pad with her and turning to wave a quick goodbye before they warped away. Steven lifted a hand slightly to wave at them in response, and turned once he saw the stream rise up around them, carrying them off to the beach house. Once again, he locked his gaze on the barn, and narrowed his eyes; Pearl and Amethyst were outside. The pale gem was pacing, and Amethyst was knocking on the door, calling something to Peridot that Steven didn't hear. He walked closer, but Amethyst had paused by the time he reached them, sparing the hybrid an exasperated glance.</p><p>Steven waved her aside without saying anything, looking up at the barn doors with a frown. They'd been open ever since… the first time he went there, with Greg and Pearl. Nobody had shut the doors after Peridot and Lapis had moved in. The barn had kinda just been an open space - a home for the two gems, but a place that other people could come and go whenever. Seeing it so closed off now kind of hurt. The hybrid swallowed, lightly rapping his knuckles against the door and leaning forward slightly. "Peridot?" He called carefully. "It's me, Steven."</p><p>There was a little bit of shuffling from inside before, suddenly, the green gem called back to him, "Steven?" She sounded confused, somewhat dubious. Amethyst gasped from beside the hybrid, but Pearl pulled her back quickly to stand where they wouldn't be seen if the doors opened. Steven glanced over at them silently, then looked up at the doors. "What're you doing here?"</p><p>"I came here to see you," Steven admitted, pressing his hand against the door. "Can I come in?"</p><p>Peridot's hesitance was palpable, even from the other side of the door. She was closer now, he could hear it when she spoke. Just on the other side, right there, so close. "Mm… I don't…" Steven lightly curled his fingers against the door, listening to the green gem as she hesitated. "Are the gems with you?" She finally asked, sounding almost bitter. "I don't want to talk to them." At this, Steven paused, hesitated, and looked back toward the other two. Pearl pulled Amethyst back a little bit, toward the other side of the barn, and the hybrid took a deep breath, nodding.</p><p>"No, they-" He cut off, startled, when the door slid open.</p><p>Peridot… didn't look so good. Underneath her visor, he saw the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, her expression pinched with a mixture of fury and confusion. Considering what everyone else had told him, about her basically being in denial about the entire situation, seeing the tears and pain written across her face was something he wasn't expecting to see. He was expecting her to otherwise be pressing on, moving forward, ignoring the situation completely. The hybrid's eyes widened slightly, pulling his hand back a little, but leaving it hovering in the air. But he didn't have any time to speak, to express his concern and confusion, as Peridot swept her gaze around, then stepped forward and grabbed his wrist to pull him into the barn, herself. He stumbled forward, turning to face her and watching as she slid the door shut once again.</p><p>"Peridot," he managed to utter, still shocked as she turned to face him again. Her hand raised, wiping at the tears in her eyes under her visor, and the hybrid just stared, almost speechless. After a moment, though, Steven found himself faltering. She wasn't in denial. She knew Lapis was dead. She had come to terms with that. She'd hidden herself away, not because she was sick of everybody trying to talk to her, not to ignore anybody, but because she was grieving.</p><p>"I didn't think you were going to come back," Peridot mumbled after a moment.</p><p>"I wanted to." Steven snapped his mouth shut and swallowed, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. He wanted to step forward, but he knew he needed to tread carefully here. She was hurting, and he might know her, he might remember her, but he didn't know how she would react to certain things now, in this fragile state. "Everyone kept saying I should wait, though…"</p><p>Peridot shook her head slightly. "I didn't think you were going to come back from Homeworld," she corrected herself breathlessly after a second, and Steven stared. "I thought you were dead."</p><p>"I know. Everyone did," Steven replied carefully, finally stepping forward.</p><p>"Not everyone." Peridot barked out a harsh, shaky laugh, and Steven couldn't help but flinch. "Lapis… wouldn't have gone if she thought you were…" She wavered, and Steven couldn't keep himself from reaching toward her in time. To her credit, the green gem didn't move back, but she also didn't step forward to meet him. Steven let his hand drop after a moment, feeling helpless. "She didn't even tell me she was leaving," she whispered, staring at the floor for a moment, before squeezing her eyes shut and shaking her head slightly. "I would have gone with her."</p><p>Steven faltered slightly at that, biting back everything he wanted to say. Swallowing down the urge to tell her that she'd have been shattered, too. He knew it didn't matter to her right then. The hybrid paused for a moment, sucking in a deep breath and closing his own eyes briefly against the tears he could already feel rising, pricking at the corners, stinging his eyes mercilessly. He didn't want to cry in front of her, he didn't want to cry when she, herself, was on the verge of tears, but he also knew that when it came to this - when it came to Lapis - there was no point in trying to fight them. Not that it stopped him, but he knew that it was still futile. Running his tongue over his lips, Steven dropped his head for a second, lifting a hand to run his fingers through his hair and taking a deep breath to steady himself, swallowing past the lump forming in his throat. He needed to pull himself together enough to at least hold a conversation.</p><p>"She's really… gone, isn't she?" Peridot asked quietly after a moment. Steven lifted his head again to look at her, rolling his shoulders back sharply and straightening up. The green gem finally flicked her gaze back up to him, tired eyes searching his face. "W- was she scared?" Peridot seemed to falter, while Steven's expression shifted slightly. He winced, leaning back on his feet and glancing away, and the green gem breathed in shakily. "Did you see her…?"</p><p>"She was poofed," Steven whispered. "She was in a bubble." He paused, running his tongue over his lips and hunching his shoulders a little as he leaned away from her, no longer wanting to get close, no longer wanting to see the expression on her face as he relayed what he remembered. A lot of his memories were still blurry, still faded, some even missing completely. But he remembered what happened to Lapis, he remembered every moment, every second. Every 'please' and 'stop' he uttered, every scream and sob that broke through his lips as he tried to get Blue Diamond's attention. Unconsciously, he curled his hands into fists, nails digging loosely into his palms. His mouth opened uselessly, jaw hanging for a few seconds as he wracked his mind and tried to figure out how to say what he wanted to say, wondering if it was even a good idea to tell her everything, when she was already so close to crumbling as it was.</p><p>Peridot stared at him for a moment. "... so it could've been… it could've been a different-"</p><p>"No," Steven groaned quietly, pressing his fist against his mouth. He turned away from her for a second, letting his other hand settle against his chest. Maybe they were right, maybe this wasn't such a good idea, maybe he should have waited. He didn't think he'd be able to make it through this. And he didn't think he'd be able to be as gentle and slow as he had wanted to be with her. "It was her… it was Lapis." He curled his fist into his shirt lightly, pressed against his chest. "She did it because of me. To punish me for…" His voice wavered slightly for a second, on the brink of crumbling, himself. His resolve faltered, more tears picking at the corners of his eyes.</p><p>"But…" Peridot's voice was almost frantic; Steven squeezed his eyes shut, feeling his heart stutter against his chest as she spoke. "But maybe it wasn't her-! Maybe- maybe it was just another Lapis Lazuli that she was using to- to scare you into submission or something. There's dozens of them back on Homeworld, right? If all you saw was a gem, then it could've been any-"</p><p>"<em>No!" </em>Steven ripped his hand away from his mouth and spun around to face her. Peridot flinched slightly, leaning away from him slightly, and the hybrid paused for a moment before he continued, desperately, "Peridot, I- she- I know- it was Lapis." He sucked in a shaky breath, pressing his hand a little harder over his chest and digging his nails into the fabric, feeling his nails press against his skin through his shirt. "I'm sorry. I'm <em>sorry</em>. Wh- what happened to her, it- it was my fault- i- if I hadn't gotten in trouble- she wouldn't have-" He stopped, gasping in another quick gulp of air and swallowing again. More tears blurred his vision, and he struggled to blink them right back in response, shaking his head furiously. "But- but she's <em>gone</em>, Peridot- she's dead. She's <em>dead</em>. I- I- I s- saw it hap- happen- I saw the <em>shards</em>- I saw her <em>shatter-</em>" The hybrid had nearly built himself into hysterics, but he stopped, abruptly, when she backed away from him and clasped her hands over the sides of her head, shaking her head furiously.</p><p>"No, no, no," the green gem whimpered, digging her fingers into her hair. Steven stared at her, almost confused. She had started coming to terms with it, started to settle into the grief. And then, just as quickly, just as abruptly, she had reverted right back to the denial stage. For a moment, he'd thought he'd be able to talk to her about this, thinking that he didn't need to get through to her because she had already come to terms with it. But she hadn't, not really. She was still searching for an answer. She was still trying to find another explanation. "Stop it…"</p><p>Still trying to tell herself Lapis wasn't dead.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Steven whispered again, staring at her. "I'm sorry, but sh- she's <em>dead-</em>"</p><p>"Stop-"</p><p>"Peridot." He squeezed his eyes shut after a moment, feeling one of the tears finally slip. He didn't do anything, or try to wipe it away; he just pressed both of his hands over his chest this time and curled his fingers further into his shirt, ripping at the fabric desperately. "She's dead."</p><p>"Stop…" The word was accompanied by a quiet, stifled sob this time. Steven furrowed his eyebrows slightly, keeping his eyes shut. He wasn't getting through to her the way he'd hoped… but she was close to crying, he could hear it. The way her voice trembled and wavered and cracked. He was pushing it, he knew - but at least crying about it, at least breaking down over it, it was still accepting, acknowledging that there was something to break down over at all. And that was one step closer to starting to recover, one step closer to trying to move on. She couldn't move on if there wasn't anything to move on from, if she was still stuck in denial now.</p><p>He had to talk about it. <em>They </em>had to talk about it.</p><p>"I watched," his voice trembled as he forced himself to speak around the lump in his throat. "I watched her d- <em>die</em>, Peridot. I s- saw the- the sha- shards. I- I was <em>there, </em>I<em>-</em> I <em>saw it.</em> She's dead." He paused, sucking in a shaky breath, hearing another stifled, sob. "I'm sorry. Sh- she's gone<em>."</em></p><p>"No," Peridot whispered. "No-"</p><p>"<em>Peridot!" </em>Steven choked out a scream, ducking his head again. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle this conversation, he couldn't handle the pain pounding away in his chest, consuming him completely. It was going to be the death of him, he knew. This hadn't been a good idea. She'd been at least playing with the idea that Lapis really was dead, she'd at least been slowly starting to realize that it was a possibility. Steven had messed that up by trying to talk to her like she was a child, trying to explain the concept of death to someone who was much older than he was. He shouldn't be having to sugarcoat this; there was nothing to sugarcoat. There was no way to make it gentle and sweet. No way to keep her from crumbling. If she didn't react with tears, and sobs, and screaming, then Steven would be concerned - because Lapis was one of Peridot's best friends. She <em>should</em> be crying right then. "She's <em>gone!"</em></p><p>Peridot let out a scream of her own, a cry of anguish and fury all at once. Steven sucked in a shuddering breath and forced his eyes open to look up at her again, tears blurring his vision. The green gem didn't speak; just covered her mouth and sobbed again, eyes screwed shut. The tears in the corners of her eyes had risen again, spilling down the sides of her face, sliding down past her visor and dripping down from her chin. Steven's breathing hitched slightly, watching her.</p><p>He watched her gem pulse, and blinked.</p><p>
  <em>Wait.</em>
</p><p>"No…" Peridot sank to her knees and buried her face into her hands. Steven wavered a little where he stood, himself, pupils shrinking slightly as he watched her form destabilize. "<em>No…!"</em></p><p>"Per- Peridot-" Steven stammered. "Y- you-"</p><p>He didn't have a chance to finish. With one last, mournful "<em>NO!"</em>, Peridot destabilized again, and poofed. The hybrid flinched and gasped in surprise, jerking back sharply. He heard the gem hit the ground before the colorful cloud had cleared, clattering to the floor with one last dim glow before it settled again, dulling down to nothing. Steven widened his eyes slightly, staring at it. It took him a little more than a few seconds to force himself to move forward, rushing over and kneeling down to scoop the gem up into his hands. He'd seen her poof before, he knew that. But he only remembered the one time, when Garnet had poofed her back at the galaxy warp. He remembered <em>something</em> happening, thinking she would poof, but she didn't. He remembered her insisting that Peridots were resilient, that they didn't poof easily. But she had just poofed.</p><p>She had just poofed. Without being hurt, or injured, or attacked. Clutching his chest with one hand and holding Peridot's gem carefully in the other, he realized it far too late. Pain. She had poofed purely from pain - <em>emotional</em> pain. She didn't have the strength in her gem to keep her physical form stable. She was grieving, mourning so much that, somehow, it had <em>poofed </em>her.</p><p>"Stars…" Steven's voice trembled, forcing his hand away from his chest to cup it around the gem. He lifted it up, pressing his mouth against it as if it would make her reform again. But she wasn't injured, the gem wasn't cracked, nothing was wrong with her. She had just poofed, and for some reason, she wasn't reforming. "Peridot," he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. He held the gem close to him, settling back on his knees and pressing his mouth against it again, before carefully holding it against his chest instead. His hands were shaking, trembling as he held the gem close to him, as he spoke to her, desperate, "Peridot, come back… come on…"</p><p>He stayed like that for a while, and the gem stayed dull. Dormant. She wasn't reforming. The hybrid ducked his head and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling tears push themselves up again. They didn't spill this time; he managed to control himself just enough to hold them back now, but it wasn't enough to stifle the pain in his chest, the erratic pounding of his heart, the awful <em>guilt. </em>He was worried, he was scared. For her, for everyone. Lapis was dead, Peridot had poofed purely from grief, from the emotional strain their friend's death had taken on her. He couldn't help but wonder, if he had been able to poof, if he would have. He couldn't help but wonder if maybe that was why everything had gone so frighteningly blank for those few seconds after it had happened. Was a gem poofing just a reaction to trauma, physically or emotionally?</p><p>He closed his hands around the gem and ducked his head further, breathing in shakily through his teeth and letting it out slowly through his nose, blinking back the rest of his tears silently. He knew he couldn't just stay there, but he let himself kneel for a few minutes longer, just holding Peridot's gem against his chest, hoping she would reform and yet knowing that she wouldn't.</p><p>"I'm sorry…" He mumbled into the silence, into the empty, hollow barn. "I'm so sorry."</p><p>Finally, summoning the little bit of strength he had left, he pulled one leg underneath him and pushed himself up onto his feet, stumbling slightly as he did. It took him a moment to regain his balance, keeping Peridot's gem held firmly to his chest as he finally turned to leave the barn; he slid the door open with one hand and stumbled out, meeting Amethyst and Pearl, who were both pacing outside now, only a few feet away from the door. They both whirled around, both looking alarmed, when the door opened - but they relaxed, briefly, upon seeing Steven. Only to freeze again, pupils shrinking, when he shakily held the gem out for them both to see, letting it rest in his trembling palm and keeping his fingers curled around it just enough so it wouldn't fall.</p><p>Amethyst's expression crumbled almost immediately, a mournful look replacing the shock that had been written across her face. Pearl stepped toward Steven, silently covering her mouth. "Oh, Peridot…" Amethyst mumbled, nothing but sorrow flickering across her face. "Steven…"</p><p>Steven shook his head. "... I'm sorry."</p><p>Amethyst shook her head, and Pearl took another step forward, looking pained. Steven looked back down, curling his fingers around the gem, and blinked back the rest of his tears. "I tried."</p>
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